Nigger Baby
It's what my mama said
The year was 1973 and a 17 year old girl just found out she was pregnant. Eventually she would have to tell her parents and back then teen pregnancy wasn’t as common as it is today. Her age wasn’t what made telling her parents tough though…
Pull out your inner child for me and imagine if you will. You’re a teenage girl; a teenage white girl. It’s barely a decade since the inception of the Civil Rights Act, your father is a bigot and your child’s father is an airmen at the local base…a Black man.
His first flesh and blood grandchild was on the way, he should have been excited knowing what I do about his family values. He wasn’t excited though. He told his young daughter to choose between her nigger baby or her family.
She chose me. I’m the nigger baby and this was my first experience with racism. Before I had even taken my first breath in this world, I was already being sent a message that I was different and unworthy as a result. For NO other reason than the color of my father’s skin.
Eventually my grandfather came around and I wound up being his favorite, but not before he called my father’s CO’s and threatened to have him killed if he came anywhere near my mom or me. It’s been more than 50 years now and my father is still staying away.
Growing up in my family of origin I was always the darkest face in the room. Growing up, the only thing I knew about my brown skin is that it was bad. I remember hearing things like my mom (who had considered adoption) only kept me to spite her father and was constantly questioned as to why I’d want to be Black when I could pass as Puerto Rican or Polynesian. As a young adult, not much older than my mother was when she found out she was pregnant with me , I heard my uncle say “it was fine until the niggers and spics took over.” When I called him out on it he said “you know what I mean not you just…” and I walked away. In my head I’m thinking I don’t understand…not me just all the other people who look like me right?!?!?!?
Being a Black girl in a family who couldn’t see you was hard. Being a Black girl in a family that made it shameful to be you was a trauma I’m still recovering from.
Originally published June 2, 2020 and updated today.